Where the Wild Rose Grows

Wing Back Roll-ups

This is my first ever recipe contest submission! It’s also one of the first recipes I’ve ever made up on my own. I submitted it over on Julie’s blog, Peanut Butter and Julie for her Ultimate Super Bowl Showdown contest. Winners will be posted on her blog tomorrow. I’m not expecting to win because it’s my first contest, but it was a lot of fun entering! I mean, not that winning would be a bad thing… 

Wing Back Roll-ups (Source: ME!)

  • 1.5 pounds boneless, skinless chicken thighs
  • 1 12 oz. jar of buffalo wing sauce (for example: Frank’s)
  • 1/2 of a 12 oz. bottle of beer (not light beer)
  • 1/4 cup sour cream
  • 2 oz. cream cheese, room temperature
  • 4 oz. blue cheese crumbles1 package egg roll wrappers (found in the refrigerated section of most supermarkets)
  • 1 egg, lightly beaten
  • canola oil for frying
  • special equipment: thermometer for frying and a crockpot

Place chicken in a crockpot and cover with wing sauce and beer. Cover and simmer on low for 8 hours.

When meat is falling apart tender, remove from crockpot and shred. Add a bit of the leftover sauce from the crockpot if you would like your chicken to have more sauce. (This step can be done up to 2 days ahead. If making ahead, store shredded chicken in refrigerator.)In a medium bowl, use an electric mixer or a whisk to combine sour cream and cream cheese.

Lay an egg roll wrapper like a diamond in front of you. Near one corner, spread 1/4 teaspoon of the sour cream / cream cheese mixture in a horizontal line.


Place 1 tablespoon of shredded chicken on top of the sour cream / cream cheese.

Sprinkle 1/ 2 teaspoon of blue cheese crumbles on top of the chicken. Roll the corner closest to the mixture over the mixture, fold the 2 sides in, and roll like a typical egg roll (note: most egg roll wrappers come with super easy rolling instructions and photos right on the back of the package!).

Stop right before you’re done rolling and brush the last corner of the egg roll wrapper lightly with egg to help seal the egg roll.

These can be assembled the day before and kept in the fridge, covered.

Heat canola oil to 350 degrees and fry egg rolls a few at a time to a nice golden brown (2-3 minutes), turning at least once to ensure that all sides are even in color. Finished egg rolls can be kept warm in a 200 degree oven while you finish frying the rest of them.

My review of the recipe: YUM! These would definitely satisfy a craving for wings and Chinese food all at once. They take the mess out of eating a chicken wing because the sauce is all right there inside the roll-up. They also taste a lot like buffalo chicken dip. I don’t fry often, but for a once in a while treat (like for the Superbowl) I think they’re worth it. Enjoy!

My 2nd Wannabe TWD: World Peace Cookies

I can’t tell you enough how much I absolutely love these cookies! I love how chocolate-y they are and how delicate. I followed the directions exactly how Dorie wrote them (I chose the option of chopping some chocolate into small pieces instead of using actual chips) and got lucky in that my dough formed into a cylinder beautifully and was pretty easy to cut.

3 things to note:

1) I will definitely make these again.
2) I froze 1/2 of the dough so I’m looking forward to slicing off some cookies and baking them in the near future.
3) Having cookie dough this awesome in the house that doesn’t have raw egg it is a dangerous thing. WAY too tempting.

Chicken BBQ Pizza, Hawaiian Style

I needed something quick and easy for last night’s dinner because I didn’t have too much time between school and rehearsal. I considered buying frozen pizza (we really like Kashi’s frozen pizzas because they’re all natural)… but then Joelen’s blog inspired me!

Joelen posted a recipe for Aloha BBQ Chicken Pizza Squares. Please visit her blog because it definitely looks like a fun recipe for a party! My recipe was this:

Ingredients

1 Boboli thin crust pizza dough (like I said, I was in a hurry, and we like these!)
BBQ sauce (see note below)
shredded cheddar
shredded colby jack
about 1/2 cup canned pineapple tidbits, drained
1 skinless, boneless chicken breast 
olive oil
salt and pepper
scallions (optional)

Directions

Preheat oven to 375 degrees (place a pizza stone in oven while it’s preheating to get a crispier crust.) Cut chicken breast into bite size pieces, sprinkle with salt and pepper, and saute in pan with olive oil until cooked through. Meanwhile, top Boboli pizza crust with BBQ sauce (the amount is up to how “saucy” you like your pizza!)

*Note: you can use any kind of BBQ sauce. Of course you could make your own yummy recipe, but if you’re in a hurry like I was you can certainly buy some already made. I tried this brand that I found at the grocery store. It was fantastic!:

Sprinkle cooked chicken pieces and pineapple tidbits over pizza, and then cover with shredded cheese (again, amount of cheese depends on how “cheesy” you like your pizza.)

Optional: top with chopped scallions. I put scallions on 1/2 the pizza just for fun.  Cook for 10 minutes at 375, and then bump up to 425 and cook for another 10 minutes or so if you’d like your pizza to be on the crispy side. 

It was very good… Yum!

My Muffin Kick Continues: Cranberry Orange

I’ve been on a muffin kick lately. This happened last winter too. There’s just something comforting about baking muffins on a weekend morning and then taking them to work for snacks or lunch throughout the rest of the week. It’s like taking a little piece of home with me when I leave in the morning.

This week’s muffin of choice: Cranberry Orange muffins. Please visit TPOX’s blog Proceed with Caution for the recipe. It looks like she got the recipe from Katie’s blog Good Things Catered. I have to admit, I did not measure my orange zest. I just added the zest from one orange. I also skipped lining the muffin pan with cups and instead sprayed the pan with a little cooking spray.

I’ve been discovering that my muffin pan is a bit smaller than most, and my cranberries were frozen, so I had to increase my baking time for a toothpick to come out clean. These were SO GOOD! If you like cranberry and orange together I highly recommend them.

Green Onion Biscuits

A green onion biscuit, with cheese, waiting to be baked.

Thank you to stefanielynn04 of the blog Kickin it in the Kitch for posting a recipe for Green Onion Biscuits. You can see the recipe on her blog; it looks like she got it from Savory Spicy Sweet, who got it from the Taste of Home website. Here I go again with the “passed down” recipes!

It doesn’t appear that any of us really altered the recipe though. I guess there’s a reason that some recipes get passed around. These really are that good. I made some with cheese and some without (because I am a much bigger cheese lover than Ben is!) and both were very good.

Welcome to the Winter of My Discontent (with links!)(and updated seventy times!)

It is Saturday, two days after a Thanksgiving where the primary cooks were supposed to be my cousin Bridge and myself, but which naturally turned into my mother pretty much doing everything, while giving us “important,” non-cooky jobs like, “wash the potatoes” and “turn on the oven and stand over there.” The meal was excellent, though, and the fact that I did not actually perform the bulk of the cooking does not prevent me from taking full credit.

“I cooked Thanksgiving dinner,” I am telling everyone. “I made that.”

But I lie.

I hope all of y’all who celebrate the holiday enjoyed your own; I hope that you all ended up spending the late night at someone’s house (read: mine) listening to the menfolk play the guitar while the women stared, fascinated, at a surfing movie El Dukay stuck in the DVD player.

Dukay has this…I guess we can call it a “belief” about surfing DVDs. He thinks that, no matter what the gathering, no matter what kind of music we’re playing or food we’re serving, a surfing movie must be playing on the television set. On mute.

Dukay believes this creates “ambiance.” I believe it is weird, but I am, apparently, in the minority, because anytime ANYone comes over, they are immediately sucked onto the sofa, where they stare, transfixed, at a bunch of criminally tanned men doing half pipes or whatever the hell all over my television screen.

Seriously! Come over, you will see this. Dukay keeps the movies on rotation. He is not kidding you with the surfing movies. It would even lead one to believe that one of us had ever actually…surfed. In reality, we have not. In reality, surfing scares me slap to death. I can hardly even swim. And aren’t surfers the ones who are always being eaten by the sharks? YES THEY ARE. And don’t sharks already kind of…like me? YES THEY DO.

But, um, anyway. That is neither here nor there, and has absolutely nothing to do with this entry. This entry is not about how Dukay and I met (he swears he’s working on it), nor does it include pictures of the dogs (I swear I’m working on it). It is a whole nother thing entirely.

See, now that Thanksgiving is over, it is, of course, time for the shopping. This year, I decided I would get an early start, and try to have all of my shopping done before Monday. This is funny. This is funny for very many reasons, but possibly mostly so because I do this EVERY YEAR. Every year, I do my shopping early. Then, some time in mid-December, I start to loathe all of the presents I have purchased, and so I buy new presents. THEN, around Christmas Eve, I am paralyzed with certainty that I Have Not Bought Enough, and so I shop again, and then everyone receives a multitude of presents, few of which make sense, none of which were requested, and ALL of which I hate.

Really, this is what I do. And…wait. Does this sound familiar? Because I believe…yes, indeed, I have complained about this before. Heh. I am both predictable AND wasteful! What a magical combination!

Anyway. Yesterday, I spent all day shopping. Being horrified of anything involving a mall, I only went to these cute new boutiques that just opened around the corner from me. Turns out THAT was a good idea, because know what they had there? Mimosas! Mimosas for the shoppers! AND everything was 20% off, and their stuff was really cute, so you know. I bought some things. For…um. Myself.

Unfortunately, that is not the holiday spirit. That is Grinchy. So I had to down my mimosa and give myself a stern talking-to.

“You are shopping for other people,” I scolded me.

(That I is a bitch. Me just wanted some nice things, man.)

Eventually, I did manage to purchase a few things for friends and family, but for the most part, I dislike going out to do Christmas shopping. I feel oddly pressured, and really, I would rather sit at home with a glass of wine and order everything online. So that is what I did: I went home, poured a glass of wine, settled in with the dogs on the couch, and began an ordering frenzy which guarantees many, many visits from the hot UPS man. (The one with the big shoulders.) Obviously, this is win/win for all parties. Except my Visa card. My Visa card is quaking in fear.

Now, in the above-mentioned frenzy, I managed to stumble upon some excellent deals for presents, and I was thinking, “Self, people should know about these deals! People should know that there are attractive, cool gifts for other people, gifts that do not cost a lot of money, and which are available to everyone, The Shoppers, who need gifts this holiday season, but who do not want to spend an arm/leg. If ONLY I knew how to show those gifts to the world!”

I am embarrassed to report that I was contemplating sending a mass email to all of my friends before I remembered that: oh. I have a website. And, duh.

So I am going to show them here. Because I am helpy today, and it’s Saturday, and I just don’t feel like moving right now. Couch = comfy.

Now, while Robyn remains the expert on Christmas giving, I am going to attempt my own little list of excellent holiday gifts. But to make this more sporting, I am going to give myself Rules, and as such, all of these gifts run under ten bucks. Ten bucks! (Okay, yes, plus shipping, but we are going to ignore that for now.) Ten bucks is, like, two mimosas, y’all. It is three packs of cigarettes, or half a blowjob from that one lady I keep seeing in midtown (she has a sign).

So, without any further ado, I present you with:

My Kick Ass Ten Dollars And Under Christmas Gift Guide, You Are WELCOME, World!

We shall start classily. Know what is cool? Art. Art is always cool, and possessing some knowledge of art always makes you seem more interesting. When I am trying to seem interesting, I say things like “Bauhaus” or “Rembrandt.” That is why I am so fascinating to everyone.

Or…wait. That’s right; I’m not! But whatever, because art remains interesting, and that is why these are such a cool idea. These are fifty postcards in a lovely box, featuring all manner of important modern art pieces. What is especially nifty is that they’re about 4 by 6, which means you can either give the whole set to someone who loves art (at a very practical $9.95), or buy them, split them up, and frame them in standard frames (like this one, which is fifteen bucks, but also the only example I can find of what I’m talking about; I am sure you could find the same thing somewhere else and keep it under ten, is what I am getting at with all of these words), and then THAT is very lovely, as well. And will take care of ever so many gifts for all of the artsy people in your life. See?

But what, you might say, should I get for someone who does not like art? What should I get for that person in my life who considers “high art” to be a successful evening of binge drinking without vomiting in any moving vehicles? What should I get for the person whose idea of literature is being able to quote Office Space (“I celebrate his entire catalogue!”) at painful, painful length? For THAT person, my friends, how can you get much better than The Napoleon Dynamite Quote Book?

Coming in at a respectable eight bucks, this book is definitely going to several people on my own list, because if I hear, “Tina, you fat lard, come eat your dinner!” one more time, I may have to start issuing beatings. It is time for people to learn new lines from that movie. I am only here to help.

(And to issue beatings.)

Still, I understand that the above gifts are not going to work for all. Around this time of year, there is always the need for the Generic Gift, the picture frame or the vase, that you can whip out of a closet and give to anyone. And for this purpose, I like these from West Elm. They’re bronzish! And running from seven to nine dollars, on sale. AND you get free shipping.

While we’re here, I should also note that West Elm has this pretty 8 inch pitcher for seven dollars. It seems somehow peaceful and clean to me, in whatever manner a pitcher can inspire such a reaction. And if you wanted to fancy it up, you could always pair it with a little bag of gourmet hot chocolate, and tie a pretty brown silk ribbon around the handle. This would equal maximum Marthaness.

(Ooo! While we are on the Martha-ing, have y’all seen those reed diffuser things? They are little bottles of oil into which you stick reeds, and they make your house not smell like dog? They are awesome, but also kind of expensive for a room freshener, so I have been making it my Sworn Duty to find cheaper versions, and guess what. Pier 1 has them for twelve dollars, and I have no idea what ginger peach smells like, and maybe I am a little afraid, but whatever, I’m trying it anyway, and also I realize that this is more than ten dollars but THAT IS WHY it is in the parenthesis, y’all. Parenthesis do not have to comply with the ten dollar rule. That is another rule I just made up right now.)

Another good gift is stationery. I buy stationery for everyone, all of the time, because I personally like stationery, and also I am not all that creative. Basically, if you know me, you are probably going to get some stationery from me at some point. There you go. Now you know what is in the flat box.

An awesome place for stationery is Bird In A Skirt, a little indie-online site that has these incredibly awesome notecards in packs of ten for ten dollars. They come with little ribbons around! And animals on! I kind of want about ten packs for me, but then I remember how I had to tell me that We Are Shopping For Other People Today, and so me has to grumble and get them for other people. Stupid friends. (Incidentally, and back in parenthesis, that site also offers very adorable personalized stationery sets for $12 if you are willing to splurge that extra two bucks. You get two whole more cards, too! It is both logical and pastelly.)

And…hmm. I have been sitting here for two hours already. This is going to take nineteen years if I feel the need to offer two paragraphs of commentary for every gift suggestion, so I shall now take this to the list:

This pillow makes me happy in a way I cannot describe. Plus, it’s marked down to ten bucks from fifty something, so hello, bargain. Also, has owl on.

For the girly girls, I like these cute little flower hairpin sets from Bonnin designs, which claims to have free shipping, even. Also, I am oddly fascinated by this ring, because doesn’t it look really nifty on their homepage? I think that’s two rings smooshed together, but they’re just eight bucks a pop, so two together is Still Reasonable.

Oh, and while we’re talking about rings (or, I am, anyway), I think The Carrotbox has some of the most awesome big plastic rings in the universe. Many are under $10, but they’re just so nifty, y’all. Definitely check out the prototype handmade section, where everything is extra inexpensive.

More girl gifts I think are excellent include good smelling candles; these really cute altered notebooks from bunnidesigns (25% off and free shipping makes each book six bucks, people. SIX BUCKS); funky but inexpensive ($4.50 to six bucks) mod switchplates; pretty silk eyeglasses cases for eight bucks; or ten dollar soaps that looks like a doggie. And, speaking of doggies, I will highly recommend pretty much anything from Crafters for Critters, where a bunch of independent designers have donated goods for the betterment of our four-legged friends. I have bought all KINDS of gifts from them, but it’s all one of a kind, so…get moving.

Okay, seriously, I could go on with girl stuff all day, so here is where I give you Good Ideas for Boy Types, like these personalize-able belts from Neighborhoodies. I would like to get Dukay a camo one with pink letters that says “I’m a pretty fisherman!” but I have a mysterious and sneaking suspicion that he would not wear it.

He is a pretty fisherman, though. I like waders! They are rubber pants you are not allowed to pee in. (Believe me on that; I went fishing one time.)

Anyway. You could also go for any of the many entertaining tee shirts at Threadless, all of which will run you an even ten bucks. I love them kind of unreasonably. I want a shirt with an octopus holding its little teddy bear. LOOK AT ALL THOSE LITTLE TENTACLES. COME HUG ME WITH YOUR TENTACLES, MR. OCTOPUS.

And…moving on. For the babies in your life, I adore these cute little $8 handscreened tee shirts. I also love these teeny little crocheted booties for ten dollars. It is almost enough to make me want to have a bab…wait. Never mind. I said nothing.

Now, for larger children, I am partial to creative toys, because I am just like that (you may have noticed this above; seriously, could I link to any more independent craftspeople today? Independent craftspeople, you owe me a drink), and so I like play-doh and beads (fifteen THOUSAND beads. Parents of the world, this is what I send to your children. Which is why I owe you a drink. Happy vacuuming!)

Also, Lite Brite has gone flat screen. I can dig it.

Hopping on the train of thought that leads us back the general gift front, you can always go with fun something-of-a-day calendars, like this one from the New Yorker, or this one with Sudoku games. (I have recently become kind of obsessed with Sudoku. Blame Ziz for that; I would never have started doing anything that challenges my mind on my own volition. I prefer to keep my mind flabby and unexercised. Like thighs; I want my brain to be like thighs.)

Now, books are always a good option, and to celebrate the upcoming opening of the new Narnia movies, there’s a paperback reprint available now of the original full-color The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe book. For the more adventurous, you could give a book about the odd questions doctors are asked at dinner parties (yes, it’s a nickel over ten bucks, but let’s be flexible, folks). Or you could take a hop over to profanity with On Bullshit, which is an entertaining read. On bullshit.

I mean…have you read my blog? I could have written that book, people. On bullshit, indeed. Sir, you have no idea.

And, finally, if all else fails…have you considered a surfing DVD? Because I hear they’re great at parties.

Now, I showed you mine, so you show me yours. Y’all tell me your own brilliant gift ideas. My Visa is waiting. And it is sore afraid.

Ooo, Shoppy Update:

The lovely Miss Bonnin, of Bonnin Designs, has emailed to let us know several things; first, her site is working again. Or should be. At any rate, it was briefly dead. It has been (or will be) revived! Frankenstein like! Only with jewelry.

Anyway, Miss Bonnin would like us to know that yes indeedy, she does give everyone free shipping, and ALSO, you can get a 15% off coupon by going to bussbuss, then to haute shops, and then to jewelry (or you could just click there. ME = HELPY.) That is where the coupon is (scroll down), and o, happiness, it abounds.

Seriously. One word: HELPY.

Also, incidentally, y’all are awesome with the gift ideas. Please keep them coming; I am loving (and, um…buying) everything. (And if your comment doesn’t show up right away, don’t worry; moveable type thinks anything with lots of links is spam, and so I have to approve it. It is silly, but it is, apparently, how I roll.) Kisses! Now go buy rings!

Another Update! Again!

I just received an email from Jen at Sweet Pea Handcrafts, and she is kindly offering all of you pretty Miss Doxie readers 10% off of your purchases. Just use the code CRAFTY at checkout, and voila. Voila, I say! Be sure to check out her line of handmade aprons, which are very sweet and maybe one wants to come live at my house this holiday season. For when I’m…uh. Cooking. Obviously.

Good LORD Stop UPDATING This Entry Every Seven Seconds

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I should probably just write a whole new entry already, as opposed to updating this one every time I get within six feet of a computer, but…lazy. I’m kind of lazy. And (dude, for ONCE) I don’t have enough to say to justify a whole new entry.

But here are new things:

1. Uh, because I’m an asshole, I forgot to link to the site that originally gave me the idea for the ten-dollar-and-under gifts. See, what I did, was that I bought a bunch of these, which are the best and most adorable stocking stuffers ever. Seriously. Hi. I bought them for everyone. Including people who are reading this site right now. ENJOY YOUR BOOKPLATES, PEOPLE!

Pink Loves Brown also offers very cute personalized stationery, but did I remember to tell y’all that? Nope. Because I’m an asshole.

2. This site sent me an email and wanted me to let y’all know that they have several products for under $10. I haven’t had time to check it out, but there you go.

3. Totally unrelated, but y’all, last night, I went out to a nice dinner party with Dukay, and spent the majority of the evening with him before I realized that he was wearing (1) a plaid shirt; (2) a plaid blazer in a different plaid; and (3) corduroy pants with hundreds of birds emboidered on them.

I mean…what the hell? Is someone missing a grandfather? Because: found him. Dukay just turned seventy-six. For Christmas I’m going to get him a new hip!

4. I linked to this site above, but justjenndesigns has more than cute little onesies. This gift set is twelve bucks, and these little totes are only eight dollars. I don’t see how I can afford NOT to buy them.

5. Thank you all for your excellent suggestions! Except for the one about the arm! I am still kind of terrified about the arm thing. But everything else has been awesome. I really have bought, like…everything, including:

6. THIS. And I recommend that you do the same.

I would say goodbye, but I’m sure I’ll be back in an hour with something else. I’m just annoying that way.

Banana Bread recipe

Imagine what you could do with healthy breads like this?
Now, plan on it for this holiday season.

They will never realize that they are eating some really healthy fiber…

Perfect Banana Bread

This bread is Fantastic, and it is even healthy, (depending on how you prepare it)

(if you use real butter) well you know what you want right.

So, here is Grannies, special Banana Bread Recipe.

Ingredients
2/3 cup vegetable oil
2 cups of sugar
4 eggs
1 1/2 tea spoon vanilla extract
4 cups of all purpose flour
2 tea spoons baking soda
1 tea spoon salt
2 cups of Mashed ripe bananas
2 cups of finely grated carrots.
1 cup chopped pecans or walnuts
1 1/3 cups dried cranberries.

AB is Brilliant, But I Am Not

Well, it must be said, again, that AB is the most beautiful, talented, sassy, and stylish web designer anywhere on the ol’ world wide web. Thank you, AB, for the gorgeous site! Thank you for the working comments! Thank you for giving me the ability to (gasp) upload PICTURES, actual PICTURES, onto this site, which will invariably lead to seven million photo essay entries, and doesn’t that just make everyone…happy? Yes! Of COURSE it does. YAY AB! Everyone go hire her to do y’all’s own sites now, so she can make a million dollars and whisk me off to Tahiti.

So, missdoxie.com is growing up. We are officially in our third generation, people, and doesn’t that make you kind of…proud? We’re getting Big! I mean, I still do not know what a “gig” is, but we will overlook that kind of thing.

Sadly, as growing cannot be done without a certain amount of pain, there is also the unfortunate matter of my email. Being that I am an idiot who doesn’t understand words like “gig” or “ports” or “portals”, I successfully deleted about one million email messages when I was trying to set up my new account. Those include interesting messages from people like yourselves, possibly even YOU, sending me interesting facts about craft things, and your weird dreams, and all manner of wonderfulness. I deleted ALL of these. So please do not think I am ignoring you, but if you sent me an email in the past two weeks or so…well. I lost it. It has left this world and gone to live with Jesus and all the missing socks, and I will therefore ask you to kindly resend. Especially if it was something interesting. I don’t have enough entertainment in my life, and I am relying on you to fill that void. Hop to!

Also! Please kindly note my new About Me page, which is updated with a picture Dukay hates. Apparently, I am in big trouble for not displaying a more flattering image of him, but I am not afraid of Dukay. When I find a picture that meets his High Standards of Whatever the Hell, then we will change it out. (Or, to put it more specifically, AB will change it out. You think I know how to do that? HA! Nope.) Also, AB created pretty new archives, making it much easier to access all of those old, pre-MT entries, if you were so inclined. It’s all very professional and shiny and new.

SO. Now that I have a new website, bet you were thinking I would…write something on it. Weren’t you.

Weren’t we all, really?

But I waited for a while, in part because I was afraid of logging in to movable type, fully convinced that I would do so and somehow manage to delete everything AB had done, and that she would then kill me. I am not afraid of Dukay, but I do not want AB after me. She may be small, but she could kick my ass six ways from Sunday, and I do not need that kind of fear in my life.

But, now that I’ve been given the go-ahead by AB herself, I have, of course, forgotten all of those things I wanted to write about over the past few days. And, kind of a lot has happened, some of which was funny to me, and I wanted to write about it, but…hmmm. Gone from the brain.

And I was sitting here, imagining my individual brain cells, hanging out somewhere else, smoking itty bitty vials of crack or whatever, when I was immediately reminded that this weekend, Dukay and I went to go visit his grandmother Mimi in South Carolina. (No, wait. Seriously, this will all come together, I swear.) And we love Mimi. Mimi is one of those grand old Southern women who speaks with a low, drawling accent, and lives alone, taking care of her damn self despite the fact that she is at least 88 million years old.

When you are 88 million years old, you do not mince words. Accordingly, to my endless delight, Mimi is always telling Dukay that he is full of shit. Dukay will say something, and she’ll just shake her fist at him. “You’re full of shit,” she’ll holler. This fills me with glee. “He is!” I immediately agree. “He is absolutely full of shit. I thank you and your wisdom for acknowledging this fact.”

On Saturday night, when Dukay started talking about his future plans, Mimi waved her hand and cut him off.

“Don’t you be smokin’ those cigarettes and makin’ those big plans,” she told him.

And when Dukay told her about eventually switching careers, she had a similar response:

“Don’t you be smokin’ those cigarettes,” she said, shaking her head. “Oh, no. Oh no, no, no, no. Don’t you be smokin’ THOSE cigarettes.”

We have no idea what this means, but we find it enchanting. “Don’t go smoking those cigarettes, Dukay,” I tell him later on, as he tries to decide on a parking place. “Don’t you go smokin’ those cigarettes and parking here.”

This is a fabulous thing to say, and I encourage all of you to use it liberally. “Don’t you go smokin’ those cigarettes and forgettin’ what you were gonna write about,” you might say to me. Or you might say, “Don’t you go smokin’ those cigarettes and post yet another entry about nothin’ at all.”

So, considering the fact that those lonely little brain cells o’ mine are apparently smokin’ those cigarettes and refusing to cough up my memories of funny shit, we are going to do something New, a Kick Off for the new site, if you will, and for the first and probably ONLY time ever, I am taking requests.

Yes! Just like on the radio.

I get emails all the time asking me to write more about the dogs, no, write LESS about the dogs and more about Dukay, NO, write LESS about Dukay and more about your sister, NO, WRITE NOTHING, but post pictures of the dogs, NO, JUST LEAVE THE INTERNET FOREVER, GOD. And it is all very confusing.

So today, y’all decide. What do you want to hear about? Lord knows I have a story about everything. Y’all give me a subject, and whichever seems to garner the most support will result in an entry, probably tomorrow (heh. We’ll see), and it will be all about WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT.

This is so democratic! Now, comment away. But don’t you go smokin’ those cigarettes. You’ll forget what you were going to say.

Oh, I’m Just High on Life

Uh, HI. Something had to happen to rid us all of the White Page of Website Emptiness and Sorrow, and seeing as I am the only one who can actually do anything about that, I figured I’d better step to the plate and all the rest. So, hello! I HAVE NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY.

I really don’t. It is sad. Basically, the gist of it is as follows, in list form:

1. This website is, apparently, very ill. See the comments thing? See how it says zero even though it is probably lying to us all? Yeah. Well, this seems to be the first step in a path towards Total Death, and other odd things are happening, as well. Like old entries reopening themselves and getting filled with forty-two thousand spam comments offering everything from Jessica Simpson lyrics to Exxxtra HARD VIAG-ARA FOR THE LADIES. I spent AN HOUR of my life, time that could have been spent drinking or shopping or kissing, deleting those stupid comments. My website is haunted.

Miss Pretty AB is having to redo the whole site, because the problem is serious, and when she started talking about it, I just put my hands over my ears and wailed, because I do not understand anything about my website. I understand nothing at all about my website. I know that I write on it, and then I say the magic words and do a little dance to the mystic gods of the Smart Box, and then my words are broadcast out over the land and take up residence in your brains. And for that, Y’ALL, I AM SORRY. Sometimes my words are really, really dumb, and now you’re stuck with them in your brain cells. An example of words that are dumb would include, oh, I don’t know, possibly THESE WORDS THAT YOU ARE READING RIGHT NOW. These words are totally dumb, but I can’t fully be blamed, because of thing number two, which is:

2. I poisoned myself with spaghetti. Because I am a total asshole. Please allow me to explain.

See, last year, my doctor told me that I am allergic to beef, to which I said, “…?” And then I promptly ignored him completely, and really very little has happened on that front. Except for sometimes, beef gets me, and it turns my body inside out in the style of reversible loungewear, and this is what my own fucking spaghetti did to me. So I had to stay home and be sick yesterday, and now I am on kind of an interesting mix of prescribed pharmaceutical products plus coffee, and I am not thinking…uh, clearly. Not so clearly right now. I am kind of confused. For proof of my confusion, I offer you:

3. Thing number three. This really is neither here nor there, but remember when we were talking about brain cells a little while ago in earlier paragraphs that I typed? And also we talked about how sometimes stupid things (see: this entry) get all stuck in them? Well. That is about to be relevant, when I get done telling this long-ass story:

So, this weekend, Timmy and Dukay and I went to my parents’ lakehouse to visit. And drink. And make important discoveries.

You may recall that the last time Dukay and Timmy and I went to my parents’ lakehouse, we ended up in a long, laborious discussion about the career of Matthew Sweet, which somehow led to the discovery that the people who work at 411 do not have mouses on their computers. This time, the biggest discovery of the weekend turned out to be that Dukay, despite years of systematically destroying his brain cells (see? I can bring it all together), somehow has managed to retain the entire McDonald’s rap song (circa 1987 or something) in his oversized noggin.

Now. Y’all! Do you remember that? I kind of did, but now that I have heard it, oh, SEVEN HUNDRED TIMES, I can recall it specifically. It is as follows:

I’d like a Big Mac,
McBLT,
A Quarter-Pounder with some cheese,
Filet-O-Fish, 
A Hamburger,
A Cheeseburger,
A Happy Meal.

Mc Nuggets,
Tasty Golden French Fries,
Regular or Larger Size,
And Salads: Chef or Garden,
Or a Chicken Salad Oriental.

Big Big Breakfast,
Egg McMuffin,
Hot Hot Cakes,
and Sausage.

Maybe Biscuits,
Bacon, Egg and Cheese,
A Sausage,
Danish,
Hash Browns too.

And for Dessert
Hot Apple Pies,
And Sundaes
three varieties,
A Soft-Serve Cone,
Three kinds of shakes,
And Chocolatey Chip Cookies.

And to drink a Coca-Cola,
Diet Coke, and Orange Drink,
A Sprite and Coffee, Decaf too,
A lowfat milk, also an Orange Juice.

I love McDonalds.
Good Time Great Taste,
and I get this all at one place.

And…I don’t know. LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS! First, I have lots of questions. Like, why come did they say “Hot Apple Pies” and try to rhyme that with “varieties”? Those words only rhyme if you pronounce varieties as variet-EYES, but that is about fourteen levels of wrong.

And what makes the chocolatey chip cookies so…chocolatey? Why can’t they just be chocolate chip cookies? Because they really didn’t need that extra syllable there.

Such questions kept us occupied for literally tens of minutes! I am telling you. TENS. Of minutes.

But anyway. So at some point, it was determined that Dukay possessed this, uh…knowledge, which entertained Timmy and me to no end, so at about two in the morning, we decided that KNOW WHAT A GOOD PLAN WOULD BE? To call people we knew and leave them the entire McDonald’s menu on their voicemails. In rap form. Sorry, Ziz!

And, that is how brain cells and a twenty-eight year old attorney making prank calls sort of come together in one story. A story that, upon rereading, does not even make any sense. People, I am absolutely high right now. CAN YOU TELL?

Which brings us to thing number four:

4. This weekend, when we were not singing the McDonald’s song, I began to compile a list of Things I Will Never Be Able To Do. But, because this whole entry is already a list, and it is weird to have another list inside of a list AND OH TOO MANY LISTS, and my brain might just pop from all the listiness, I am just going to bullet some of the finer points. I hereby resign myself to the fact that I will never, ever be able to:

– Fold a fitted sheet;

– Drive a car with a manual transmission (I have TRIED, LORD HAVE I TRIED);

– Cut my dogs’ fingernails;

– Update a website with any degree of regularity (maybe you noticed this);

– Stop myself from gleefully watching movies with titles that rhyme with, I don’t know, something like “Flirteen Going On Shirty”;

– Prevent self from crying at same, because, magic dust! and happiness;

– Balance a checkbook, thanks to the life-giving invention known as the “debit card”;

– String two coherent thoughts together when I am on any kind of drug whatsoever, including just Tylenol, because it takes NOTHING to get me looped, apparently; and

– Keep my cell phone charged.

And that is all. I mean, there were more, but I forget them now. Believe me, there’s TONS of shit I can’t do! “Make sense” comes to mind at the moment. “Speak and type coherently” is also occurring to me.

And…you know, that is all I have for you: the deluded, rambling rants of a woman on a variety of legal substances. There is no rhyme or reason. There is no theme here! This entry is the equivalent of a brain fart on crack, and I am just trying to make it through the day, dammit.

But it’s better than the blank screen, I suppose. Still, with God as my witness, I promise you, internet, that I will NEVER EAT SPAGHETTI AGAIN.

Cooking Oils

Cooking with Oils, believe it or not the choice of oil you use makes a big difference in the way your food tastes.

Everyone knows the foods to eat that improve health, although how we cook the food can be just as important.

With there being so many oils and butter products claiming to be the best, it can be quite difficult to know which ones to use and which ones to avoid.

Canola oil

Canola oil is a popular oil, with many physicians claiming that it has the ability to lower the risk of heart disease.  The oil is low in saturated fat, high in monounsaturated fat, and offers the best fatty acid composition when compared to other oils.

You can use canola oil in sautéing, as a marinade and even in low temperature stir frying.  It has a bland flavor, which makes it a great oil for foods that contain many spices.  Unlike other oils, this one won’t interfere with the taste of your meal.

Olive oil

Olive oil offers a very distinct flavor with plenty of heart healthy ingredients.  The oil is rich in monounsaturated fat, helps to lower cholesterol levels and reduce risk of cancer.  It’s also rich in antioxidants and has a very long storage life.

Even though it can be used in cooking, it’s the healthiest when uncooked, such as with a salad or dipping sauce.  When you use it with cooking, you should heat it on low to medium temperatures, making sure to avoid high heat.

Butter

Butter is one food that has been around for many, many years.  Butter tastes good, and offers sources of Vitamin A and other fat soluble vitamins such as E, K, and even D.  Butter is also made from natural ingredients and not chemically or artificially processed.

You can use butter with cooking, baking, or even as a spread.  You can also pair it with creamy sauces, marinades, baked dishes, or even bread.

Margarine

Margarine was first introduced as an alternative to high fat butter.  When it was first created however, it was loaded with trans fat, a substance that we now know raises bad cholesterol.

As a cooking oil, margarine tastes good, it’s lower in fat than most oils and butter, and it’s quite easy to spread.  It’s available in a variety of different products and a good source of vitamin E.

When it comes to cooking with oils, there are several at your disposal.  There are many more than what is mentioned here, although the ones above are the most popular.  Eating healthy involves cooking healthy food – which is where your cooking oil really takes center stage.

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